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| Photo by Javiindy. |
If you have children and you live in New York (or are
visiting), you can’t miss the Bronx Zoo.
You must see and experience the Butterfly Garden and then scratch “ride on the
back of a camel” off of your bucket list. However, be forewarned, the one
thing that may frighten you more than any lion, tiger or cheetah—is the attire
of 99% of the other zoo patrons. Luckily, it is summer, so wearing sunglasses
will mask the fright and horror in your eyes. I must be honest dear reader, I
have never seen so many horribly dressed people in my lifetime, as I have in
one day. Brooke Astor would turn over in her grave.
A platinum blonde woman of a certain age wearing a short, tight, light-colored, sheer knit dress with 5-inch wooden platform sandals. Really? For a day at the zoo?
High-waisted Daisy Duke shorts were all the rage, especially for the chubby, rotund and morbidly obese. Luckily I bring anti-bacterial wipes, as one would hate to sit down in a hot plastic chair the latter had previously occupied. Does anyone else feel violated seeing some strange woman’s butt cheeks peeking out from under a pair of short shorts???
Bright, bright and even brighter colors. There was barely a sight of anything classic or understated, such as black, navy, camel or white. 1980s neon pink was the color most adored in clothing, and painted on fingernails and toes.
Tons of logoed MK (Michael Kors) bags. If you own one and believe this adds to your cultivated, tasteful and elegant attire. I am sorry to inform you: you are wrong. I have yet to see a woman look expensive or chic carrying these bags. Or more accurately stated, I have yet to see an expensive-looking, chic woman carrying one of these bags.
Tattoos, tattoos and more tattoos (on men and women alike). Unless you are a legitimate rock star, stay away from Ink. Unless you have zero interest in having a REAL job and being taken seriously (and not frightening people), do not get tattoos that are visible: sleeves, ankle tattoos, tramp stamps (lower back tattoos), etc. are horrid. Unless you plan on never getting into a painfully high-end restaurant or being in the company of quality people, ixnay the overzealous Ink.
A woman (with two small children) trying her best to look chic in white linen pants and a heavy scarf—during the hottest, most humid day of the summer? You’re not on the Riviera, darling. You’re at the zoo with messy kids and animals.
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| Photo by Mykyta Starychenko. |
What You Should Wear ...
Polos, crisp tees in a neutral color (no writing whatsoever—i.e Glamour Girl, Single & Lookin', I Love French Fries, etc.), 5-inch chino shorts—no shorter!!! in a dark color (shorts are hated by many chic Parisians, but in 85 to 90 degree humid weather you will melt in jeans). No skirts or summer dresses, especially if you plan on taking a ride on top of a camel; flashing your underwear to all is terribly rude. This is also not the time to display your Céline or J. Mendel bag; a leather or even nylon cross-body bag is perfect.
Simple jewelry is also a must (diamond studs). Showing off one’s Van Cleef & Arpels necklace in such an informal environment is the height of tacky. Anyone who wears high-heels or 6-inch wedges to walk around the zoo must be a Reality Show Housewife, weather girl at Telemundo in Mexico or Fox News in LA; or a street walker hoping to pick up a stray father that has wandered off from his family.
Appropriate footwear would include espadrilles, Keds or some similar canvas tennis shoe, driving moccasin or flat leather sandals (not the sort, however, you see German tourists wear). A classic fedora is also nice to keep the sun out of one’s eyes and taming humidity affected hair.
